In October, Leslie sent the letter included here as a two-part Comment to some of the readers of this blog. We're reprinting it at her suggestion as, a month after she first wrote, it still encapsulates all of her "states" -- physical, emotional and spiritual. And it especially encapsulates the love she feels for all her friends -- which is returned a hundredfold.
Welcome to TEAM LESLIE – a blog created in October 2011 by some of Leslie Bowman Marcus’ many friends. In the months leading up to her death on May 29, 2012, this was a place Leslie often visited whenever she wished to be reminded of the vast community of people who loved her, and it remains as a place where family & friends can come to read or post reminiscences of the dear friend who was such a vital presence in our lives.
My dear friends,
ReplyDeleteI apologize for sending a mass mailing to you, but my energy level is very low and it is the only way I can think of to let so many of you know what is happening in my life, so here goes ... I wish I could send each of you a personal message to let you know how much I cherish the time we've had together and how you've enriched my life. But this message will have to suffice, so know that I send it with a full serving of love for each of you.
I don’t really know how to say goodbye. I’ve said “farewell” many times, meaning “fare thee well” in the Olde English kind of way. But I don’t know that I’ve ever really said “Goodbye” in the Olde English way of saying “God be with ye.”
Nonetheless, that is what this letter is … my “God be with ye” letter, sent to you with my love. I don’t quite know how to tell you that I am dying, so I’ll just tell you the facts of the matter. In late August, when I was having terrible pain in my back, the doctor did a CT scan and discovered a mass in my pancreas. It has turned out to be a tumor the size of a ping pong ball, along with a lymph node that is also the same size and fully filled with cancer cells. There are multiple lymph nodes also affected in that area of the pancreas, as well as numerous blood vessels. The cancer started in the pancreas and does not appear to have spread to any other organs at this point, nor did it start in the lungs or esophagus and metastasize to the pancreas, which is what usually happens. My kind of pancreatic cancer is the really rare kind (squamous carcinoma), not the kind that 99% of pancreatic cancers turn out to be (adeno carcinoma). This wonderful rare kind of cancer means that surgery and radiation are not possible, and the only treatment is to use chemotherapy to try to shrink the tumors down to a size where I can get some relief from the pain. This chemo is not curative, only palliative. It will not lengthen my life, but may provide a reasonable quality of life for a very limited amount of time by reducing my pain level, if the chemo actually does indeed shrink the tumors enough. I am receiving good medical care and my doctors have given me very good pain medication so that I can keep the pain in the background most of the time, thanks be to God...
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ReplyDeleteSo now, I am learning how to say, “God be with you.” My prognosis is very poor, especially since my immune system has been badly compromised (with type one diabetes) for the past 56 of my 60 years on earth. The doctors will not and cannot articulate how much time they think I might have, but the statistics all point at six months or less. Of course, we don't know when "the count" would've started, so we don't know exactly where I am on The Slippery Slope. It’s one of those things I’m learning to let go of – control. I cannot control when God will take me, nor can I fight it. I long to stay here, with friends and family, and yet I also long to be with God. The moment I was given my diagnosis, I felt completely and absolutely embraced in God’s love and care. I feel serene and safe. I do not feel alone, nor do I fear what will be “there” when I get there. I am afraid of what I will have to face on the journey to the next part of God’s plan for me, but I am not afraid of what I will find once I’m there. God will be there with me, just as God is with me here, and now.
My parents are spending a great deal of time with me and Bill in Woodland, and family and friends are also coming to stay with us so that Bill can continue to work and not worry about leaving me at home on my own. I spend lots of time resting and sleeping (the pain meds are helpful for sending me into nap time frequently, and the doctors encourage lots of rest, so that's what I'm doing).
If you'd like to contact me, you are welcome to send me an e-mail or to phone me, but know that I may not answer the phone if I'm sleeping or resting. Please leave a message if I don't answer, OK? Also, it may take a few days for me to respond to your email, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to -- it just takes me a little more time to do things these days. Friends and family here with me will screen all my calls and will tell you if I'm able or not able to take your call, so please don't be offended if that happens. They are doing this for my own good, and I am grateful to them for taking on that difficult role. Truly, they are not mean people, just loving and kind and caring for me the best they can.
Know that I love you, and that leaving you is not what I had in mind ... at least not yet. But God's time is different than our time, and God does indeed know best.
I leave you with love. And God be with you.
Leslie
I hope this is a case of third time lucky in regard to getting a message up on the blog.
ReplyDeleteI am honoured to have been included in the message about this opportunity to keep in touch.
As the Irish end of the Leslie club I am regularly thinking about you and wishing you well.
What can I say about Leslie Marcus? A larger than life, kind-hearted, bright, wonderful human being. I only get to see Leslie in person a few times a year but those times are more in quality than a hundred visit could be.
Leslie, I will be back in Davis after Christmas and I certainly hope to see you over that time.
I am a believer and I know you are so I very confidently say that you are being held close in the hand of God. I pray that that brings you serenity and calm as you go on this amazing adventure. Needless to say I pray earnestly that you are comfortable, pain-free and surrounded by the love and the care that you so deserve to have now and always.
Take much care and I'll be back to you soon and await the news of how things go for you.
xxx Grainne
Grainne & Friends, I want you to know that the past couple of weeks have been pretty good in terms of how I'm feeling. My oncologist believes that I am doing well, that the chemo is doing what it intended (shrinking the tumor to reduce the amount of pain that I feel), and that we will stay with this chemo program as long as it's effective in this regard. So, as we say out here in the far West, "so fari, so goodie!" Thank you for your continued prayers and notes and positive thoughts -- they make a huge difference -- I can feel it!
ReplyDeleteLeslie
I am happy to have been listed among the friends of our dear Leslie, though I have not had the honor of knowing this dear sister in person just yet. But I am blessed to know you in the most special way through Ximena, mother and my darling Clayton. Leslie you have been Ximena's big sister out in California and I am very grateful to you for opening up your wonderfully loving heart and home to my dear sister.
ReplyDeleteI know you have strong faith in God and it is the trust you have in Him that will make this very important path in your life accept His plan without reservation. Keep thinking positive and thank you so much for all you are teaching us with this new path life is taking you through.
I keep you in my prayers and in my thoughts always. Love Liz
Aunt Leslie,
ReplyDeleteWhat a joy it was to see you in good spirits and health yesterday. Reading over your 2-part letter above, I realize that you, perhaps moreso than the rest of us, have accepted that God is calling you and are embracing that. We love you all so very much and I can't wait to spend more time with you during the holidays. Love, Linds
Leslie:
ReplyDeleteToday it's especially appropriate to be thankful for human beings like you, and also to be grateful that I have known you!
Amen to those fine thoughts, Carol! We are so very lucky to have our Leslie in our collective presence this day and always...
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving, Team Leslie!
Bob Stetson
Thanksgiving was lovely in the Bowman Clan this year -- we all gathered in Piedmont at my parents' home, and had three days of relaxation, cribbage, buffet-style meals (SOOOO much easier than large sit-down dinners!), jigsaw puzzles, and great catching up with everyone. AND I got to hold the newest addition to the Clan -- Isabelle Lynnae Andrews (sister Shelley's first grandchild, daughter of Shelley's son Christopher). Three weeks old and already in complete command of the entire Clan, of course. Are ALL babies magnets??? I, for one, am completely smitten! Happy Belated Thanksgiving greetings to all -- I have this week "off" from chemo, so it promises to be a lovely week indeed!
ReplyDeleteA wonderful Thanksgiving to be sure! And Christmas promises to be memorable, as well. Enjoy this week, Les - maybe get a little weeding done?!
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